Mad world, crazy life...
I've been trying to fit in this world for the past 35 years, when I came to be. I finally gave up, as I came to the realization that the problem wasn't me, but the world itself. It took me at least 25 years to come to peace with the fact I will never be able to behave or to think in the way people and the world expect me to. It will never happen, and I'm happy with it.
I started to feel that there was something very, very wrong with the world and people at the age of ten. Yes, precisely at ten, don't ask me why. I couldn't understand why almost everyone around me, even family members, used to make such an effort to hide their real selves in every situation possible, behaving in such artificial and competitive ways. Growing up was quite painful and I was labelled as "different"(the kindest adjective...) and I felt terribly lonely. I could see what most of people seemed to ignore (willingly in most of the time...) and I could never understand why they ignored what seemed obvious to me. I came to the realization that TRUTH isn't such a desirable "item" cause it seems to disturb the "balance" of people's empty lives and pursuits.
It was hard for me to understand the irony, the hypocrisy of the fact that my parents taught me not to lie, but then... if you are 100% honest and always tell the truth you're in trouble, even with the very ones who taught you the lesson in the first place! I realized that I needed big doses of malice, hypocrisy and cynism to survive. Guess what? I failed...
What seemed to be my biggest handicap revealed to be my greatest treasure - I can see truth, in every situation, in every environment, in every relationship. Truth is always revealing its face to me, lifting the veils. Truth chases me. It's not so pleasant everytime - it's difficult to see your ugly truths as it's so much easier to see it in others, but that's just another humility lesson for life. I never meant to be better than anybody else just because I don't fear the truth. What I can't undestand is why people reject the truth so much! Perhaps because it suits them, perhaps because they gain something doing so... What people don't seem to understand is that the price that you pay for living in truth is far less expensive in the long run comparing to the price you pay for living in lie. Lies can give you immediate rewards, can open doors that were supposed to be closed, can give you shortcuts to get were you want to be, but... at the end, can be far more expensive than you imagined, and regretful...
I always resented the fact that I could be what is perceived as a "loser". I'm grateful to finally come to peace with this, as now I understand that "success", in the terms of society, is highly debateble. As Sartre once said, "If a victory is told in detail, one can no longer distinguish it from a defeat". I think this is quite the case with most of people. When you stop and think that the workplace became an actual jungle, it's not difficult to realize that to get to the top some heads must be used as stairs... Competence, commitment and passion became mere details... I have a hard time trying to accept that success must come at the expense of others.
I'm quite happy with the price I had and still have to pay for willing to live in truth, with honesty, kindness and regards for my neighbours. It doesn't mean that I am naïve or fragile - I can be quite revengeful when injured - I just think human beings went too far when it comes to survival. It's not necessary. If you're creative, you don't need to be competitive. Why competing for what is already there when you can just create something new that will suit you better? Competition = scarcity. Creativity = abundance. That's my motto.
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